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PastPoop7/6/2003-Littered Campgrounds, Folding Chairs, Feed Doritios to the Bears.Welcome back to the realm of missionary mind-rape fellow psychophants. Since Barnyard and Highpulp redecorated, or should I say colonically assblasted, this site into a new realm of naughty goodness, I felt it was my turn to add some more vaginal drippings of my own. Alright the real reason is I just got back from vacation, and Barnyard threatened me with twink spam if I did not post something. Well, some of my other forthcoming pieces are as of yet unfinished, I thought it would be nice to share my vacation with you. You must realize, especially if you read my posts, I am a bit pessimistic and dark, so you\\\'re bound to come to the conclusion that no matter what, this piece will not be some simple essay on weekend shenanigans...oh no, it seems whenever I`m involved the aura of nuttiness that shadows my presence causes probability fields to go insane. Hence, this was not a trip I was looking forward to.. for this reason and another...Alright, we went camping. My wife, two girls, and pappy-in-law. I love all four of them, but I fucking hate camping. I`d rather shovel monkey shit in a circus, or give pap smears to homeless Russians then get reacquainted with my savage caveman roots. As it went, I agreed. I\\\'m a family man so I had no choice. We left Friday morning and were scheduled to return Saturday afternoon. No biggie, right? We shall get to that later... The 90 minute trip was uneventful, but we finally made it to the Wisconsin Dells. Describing this town is kind of paradoxical. Imagine the Vegas strip run by rednecks. You get the idea. Every gypsy, Jew, and vagrant was selling every piece of imaginable kitsch under the fucking sun. We explored a bit, and got to ride on a kick ass military amphibious vehicle, kind of like what the Allies used to land at Normandy in 1944. We went on land and water with it and it was sweet. However, the happiness recedes there... We finally found our seedy campground. Funny how everything looks sooo much better in the ads and pamphlets. I quote: `Pool, indoor gaming facility, clean bathrooms, showers, and mini golf... playground for the tykes, and volleyball area.` Sounds good? Here\\\'s how it should have read: `Pool the size of your toilet though your toilet smells better, game room that looks like a bar with games you haven\\\'t played since hair bands were cool, bathrooms that make Auschwitz sanitation appealing, showers that are literally water closets for you claustrophobics, mini golf that makes your lawn dart set look like Gameworks....playground built over an Indian burial ground, and a volleyball area situated on a patch of land reminiscent of the Everglades.` Yes, much joy to be had..... Well we went to town and sampled some overpriced delights. I was hardly amused, especially with the Ripley`s Believe it..or Not! flat. The only interesting thing in there was the severed head of Peter Kurten, the `Vampire of Dusseldorf,` and displays of penis sheaths. Later we went back to sleep in our camper and left the flaps open due to the heat and humidity. Around 2 am Saturday morning, it fucking started storming, ruining food, and leaking a bit into our camper. I was pissed. Even worse these assholes camping next to us decided to speak using their outdoor voices...at all times. At 12 am they were still belting out their alcohol induced soliliquies and my sleep was thus deprived. A lot. The next morning my dad-in-law decided to stay another day. My testicles fell into my ass and rolled out my rectum. I was speechless for 2 hours. We went around some more, watched freworks, and slept again. When we left the morning of this writing, it stormed again! We packed under a torrent of cloud puke, and I grew even more irritated. Needless to say I had no prolonged good time. Okay so maybe you\\\'re thinking, that is not so bad. Well fuck you it was. In fact I shall never leave my house again. Why go camping when you have food, entertainment, and a shitter at home? What is the point of camping? To go back to nature? Fuck that, I can watch Jeff Corwin expense and pain free at home...on t.v. What about the fresh air? If I feel I need fresh air, I shall rent an O2 tank. Wildlife watching? Go to a zoo. Camping is for fools. So there you have it. My fucking sordid weekend..oh I almost forgot.. about the bathrooms, They were so filth I held myshit for two and a half days! Since I never make the doody in public poo recepticals, and I refuse to leave steamer in the cold bitter woods I held it. Feel my pain muthafucka. Anyway, hope you all had a safe and happy `Liberation from the Limeys Day.` I know mine could have been better. Until next time I remain.... -Insidious_T |
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